I wanted to use this page to give you a chance to know a little about me and the reason behind this webpage.  I am senior in college graduating in August of 2007 with a degree in Human Development and Family Studies with a minor in Sociology.  The reason behind this website is that it was a course project for my Women’s Studies course to let people not talking classes some of the information that we have learned.  I decided that I would do a website on healing from sexual abuse because it is something that I have been working really hard on since I started college. 

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  I was abused by my older first cousin thus making the abuse also a form of incest because it was in the family relationship.  The first time that he ever did anything to me I was five years old and we were in my backyard and he touched me for the first time.  I consider that now normal curiosity that all children do at first because the incident ended there and that was the last of things until I got older.  The summer before fourth grade we were moving from Virginia to Ohio and I would be spending the summer with my aunt and cousin.  Right before we were set to leave I told my mom what had happened and all I remember is that we were both punished and told that the door had to stay open when we were playing in his room.  We had listened to that but as the summer went on the door was shut more and more because we were not able to hear the television with the door open.  I regret now asking him if we could shut the door because it was that summer things began to change.  While we were playing he would start to be more involved in touching me in inappropriate ways and would follow me to the bathroom where he would also engage in apppropriate acts.  I at the time knew that this was wrong but not everything as to why it was wrong.

This behavior would go on every summer that I would visit him and as the years went on the behaviors became more then just touching.  He would have me touch him also and then events were becoming more adult like in nature then the normal curiosity that it had began as when we were 5 and 7 in my backyard behind the pool and under the apple tree one sunny summer afternoon.  To this day I do not know what would have happened if my sister did not come around the corner when she did if things would have began at an earlier age.  Also in the summers my younger female cousins (6months and 18 months younger) would also visit my aunt’s house so he would do things to all three of us.  It was also around this point that he had picked up his mother’s love of photography.  A love I really wish that he never gained because he would begin to video tape the acts and make us watch the other cousins on video tape as a way of controlling us into acts we no longer were willing to partake in but his controlling nature made us give in.

Things changed one summer day the summer before my eighth grade year.  I had just spent a week at girl scout summer camp and my parents came to pick me up and on the way back home from camp they told me that we were moving to my mom’s hometown.  At this point I didn’t think anything of it but later I would come to love the decision I made.  I had a home where I was and I loved my friends and didn’t want to move at all but I could choose if I wanted to move before eighth grade began or wait until December and move on Christmas vacation.  My dad was living with my aunt and my cousin until they found a house and my mom and I were at the old house until December.  This decision was a good one because once we moved to my current home the abuse that would just take place over the summer now became almost daily or at least weekly until I was seventeen.  The summer before my senior year in high school when he told me that he was moving to California and that he would no longer hurt me and that he would destroy all the evidence of the abuse.  The evidence he held on to and would still watch and I took that as a good sign.  He was family and I trusted him so I said okay but he still told me that if I were to tell no one would believe me. 

During my high school years the abuse progressed far greater then I ever thought possible.  It was at this time that he began to attempt the beginning of traditional penetration but would stop because he did not want me to become pregnant.  He would have me oral do things to him and his dog who he was so mean too.  The worst thing he ever did was anally penetrate me.  This was the worst night of the abuse because I was crying that it hurt me and all that he told me was if I practiced that it wouldn’t hurt when we did it again.  At this point I tried to go to his house less but this alone was hard because I felt pressured to go over because I never had a good enough reason not to go over because I could never tell my family the real reason I refused to go over there. If I had asked him if he would again do anything if I went over he always told me no and I trusted him enough that it would be fun to spend quality time with someone my age.

I only told two friends of this in high school and I made them both promise not to say anything.  One I told in tenth grade when things were at their worst and she never did say anything even to my other cousin who was also really good friends with her.  I also after high school pretended like nothing had happened and tried to move on with my life.  I entered college away from home and I began to have a really rough time emotionally.  I had a horrible roommate my first semester and was constantly crying myself to sleep but I stuck through it and got through my first semester.  I went home for break and when I came back from winter break I went into a depression.  I refused to eat and all I wanted to do was to stay in bed.  One of the resident advisors in the building helped me through that semester along with my friends one of which has been there since I was 10.  They helped me through my hospital stay from not eating and they were with me the night I said I wanted to end it all.  March 17, 2004 I was really tired of feeling really miserable and I just wanted to jump out of the window of the third floor.  My friend was in the room with me that night and she helped me through with the resident life staff and counseling staff.  After that night one of my friends from my old town and I were talking and she asked me the hard question had I ever been abused.  I did not know what to say and I told her yes.  This was one of the best things because it brought me closer to her and was the beginning of my healing process.

The next few years were spent trying to figure out my memories and trying to get to a place I could forgive my cousin.  I am not there yet because I still do blame myself but that blame is going down each day but on the bad days it goes up.  I have had problems with not eating and cutting over the years but being away from home gave me a chance to deal with it something I never would have been able to at home.  This school year has been the worst in a few years in terms of emotions.  I have had some really vivid memories and some really rough nights dealing with the flashbacks that take me back the night of being 12 or 13.  I finally have a safe heaven that gave me an excellent chance to heal from something I never felt possible.

I still today go through several ups and downs but I made a commitment to myself only about three months ago that I did not want to cut myself anymore.  I wasn’t making this promise to friends or residence life or anyone but me. Surprisingly I have been able to keep this promise and realize I don’t want to do that any more.  I am happier and can finally for the first time in years enjoy life, although I do sometimes still break down crying.  This is a website dedicated to healing from abused.  As the title mentions broken hearts can be healed and while it may never go away it does get easier and easier to deal with.  I am not going to say its all better but its getting to a safer spot and I can heal.  I hope with the information I have learned doing research for this I can help another girl out who may be stuck at home struggling to get through.  I want to say to anyone reading this that if you have been through the abuse it was not your fault no matter what it is never the victim’s fault also healing is possible but it comes with time.  It is not something that one can be rushed into and you’re the only one that knows how you feel.  Do not bottle up your feelings because there is only so much we can stuff into a pot before it explodes and there is a mess everywhere.  I know it’s hard to trust but accept help because its not something one can do alone.